Tag Archives: Open Letter

An Open Letter to the Cast of Avengers: Endgame from a Humble (and Grateful) Fanboy

Dear Cast of Avengers: Endgame

This next Tuesday, April 26th, marks three years since the release of the final installment of the Infinity Saga. At the time, I wasn’t sure if anything could truly cap off 11 years of the MCU, including 22 movies and one helluva setup with Infinity War. I should’ve known all of you would knock it out of the park.

Of course, the odds of any of the actual cast reading this are admittedly pretty slim, but writing this is cathartic for me after the emotional roller-coaster that is Avengers: Endgame that still lives rent-free in my head now in 2022.   

Ohhhhh Yeaaaaah! (*said in the Kool-Aid Man voice*)

First, the general stuff:

This goes out to not only the cast but the crew as well. It took a literal army of people to bring this movie to life. No matter what your role was on this film, on or off the screen, it’s clear that your passion for the work came shining through in a way that’s seldom seen. I’m sure there were a myriad of frustrations and obstacles that we, as the viewing audience, will never understand or even know existed. But you persevered, laboring to create something truly beautiful.

And what you have created is nothing less than a love letter to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As both a comics fanboy and movie enthusiast, I am humbled by the feature you collectively delivered. Truly. Humbled. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have no idea what your work means to me.

There are a few folks in particular I would like to address. Obviously, I can’t cover everyone involved in a production this size (this may lead me to write a Part 2 to this eventually), so let me simply say that every actor who made an on-screen appearance played their part to perfection. Every single one. The MCU has always had pretty inspired casting, and I can safely say that the acting here is phenomenal across the board. I love you all.

Okay, now the specifics:

Jon Favreau – Where would we be if you hadn’t directed the original Iron Man? For me and many of my friends, it’s been our collective dream to see an interconnected universe where these heroes could team up and interact with each other. You set that in motion, and I’m really happy (note the use of the word) that you have maintained a recurring character. I always look forward to seeing him, and wow-oh-wow did your scene with young Morgan strike home, post-funeral scene.  While it’s not strictly on topic, I have really enjoyed The Mandalorian and other Star Wars projects that you and Dave Filoni have created. I look forward to many more.

Alan Silvestri – I’ve been listening to your Endgame score while writing this letter. It’s so evocative. There’s pain, and despair, but there’s a slender thread of hope that runs through it. One of the hardest things about watching this movie was seeing all these characters I love in such pain, and you underscore it beautifully. Let me add that I’ve been a fan of your scores since Back to the Future. Your work regularly appears on my writing playlists. Your ability to inspire, or to break my heart, through music is astonishing. When your Avengers theme comes on, I feel like I can fly.

The Russo Brothers – You did the impossible. You brought a million disparate threads together, weaving them into a tapestry worthy of Odin’s great hall. Your contributions to the MCU in the past have been top-tier. Winter Soldier and Civil War are visual poetry. And now with Infinity War/Endgame, you have created the crown jewel of the Infinity Saga. You should be proud.

Tom Holland – I know that you weren’t in this film very much, but every moment with Spidey is absolute gold. You really twisted the knife in Infinity War with your “I don’t feel so good, Mr. Stark” line. I’m still not sure I’ve recovered from it. And then, the look on your face when the tables were turned at the end here — wow. Peter’s vulnerability is something that really shines through every time you’re in the role. Also, as I said in my No Way Home review, that was pretty much everything I could have ever asked for as a life-long Spider-Man fan.

YAAAAAAASSS!

Jeremy Renner – The first scene of this movie really allows you to shine. As a parent, it really struck home. The confusion, which quickly turns to fear, it was all there on your face. This was a Clint that was hard to watch because he was just so dead inside, and we as the audience were witness to the moment it happened. I think you are a fine actor, and I think that this is some of the best work I’ve ever seen from you. I was also very pleased by the Hawkeye Disney+ series. I hope that this isn’t the last we’ve seen of Clint Barton.

Scarlett Johansson – What a legend. Thank you for being an integral part of the MCU since Iron Man 2. I know that death in the comics, and often in the movies, can be more of an inconvenience that anything else. That wasn’t the case with Nat’s death. It felt pretty permanent, and thus more real. I gotta say, Endgame had me crying about six different times, and I when saw Nat fall, I was bawling. No more red in her ledger. She made the hard call. It was incredibly harsh to watch, but what a way to go out.

Paul Rudd – I have to tell you that Scott’s reunion with Cassie was incredibly moving, and one of many places where the screen was suddenly blurry for, ahem, no well-explained reason. There are so many emotions playing across your face in that moment. I love that Ant-Man is the key to the Avengers’ eventual victory, and that you had so many great moments. You, sir, are a national treasure. I look forward to seeing you return in Quantummania.  

Mark Ruffalo – You took one of the most challenging characters to portray in maybe of all of Marvel, and you make it look effortless. I can’t even imagine the level of motion capture rigs and general weirdness it must take to turn in a Hulk performance. I loved seeing Professor Hulk in this, where Bruce had found a kind of balance with the dual sides of his nature. While Tony may have defeated Thanos in the end, it was the Hulk that undid the Blip. Half of the universe returned to life because of his direct actions. As accolades go, that one doesn’t suck.

Chris Hemsworth – Of all the Avengers, Thor is the one who internalized the failure to stop Thanos the most, taking him down a self-destructive path. I know that a lot of it gets played for laughs, thanks in part to your incredible comic timing, but those moments when we see Thor reflect on his role in events is moving. He’s always the hero who is exactly where he needs to be when it matters most, so for him to fail by a matter of seconds was gut wrenching. I noticed in the recent Thor: Love and Thunder teaser that Thor is trying to find his place in the universe after all of that. I am here for it.

5 Years Later

Chris Evans – Oh Captain, My Captain! I remember seeing Cap standing alone on the field facing Thanos, hurt, dirty, with a broken shield in hand. I knew that this would be the last movie where you played Steve Rogers, and I was painfully aware of how that confrontation played out in the Infinity Gauntlet comics. I remember sitting in the theatre thinking, “Oh god, this is where we lose him.” Even when it all seemed hopeless, when the Avengers were scattered, we see that Steve is ready to fight to the last.

But then…

Then we get perhaps my favorite moment in any MCU, set to this piece of music. There used to be these promotional posters that just said “Marvel Universe” on them. They were entirely covered with overlapping superhero art. There was one of those hanging up at the local comic shop (local being a relative term) when I was a kid. I used to stare in awe at it. Every single hero on that poster had a story, an origin, dreams, challenges, victories, and defeats.

Yeah, this one. I’m still in awe of it.

Seeing Cap lead the Avengers into battle one last time took me back to that poster, a reminder of my earliest interest in Marvel comics. Of course, finally hearing you say “Avengers, assemble!” was the cherry on top. Thank you for a great run as Captain America.

Robert Downey, Jr. – Here’s the thing about Iron Man for me: My love for the character is second generation. I got it from my Dad, who read Iron Man comics as a kid in the late ’60s. He encouraged me to read the comics, and love of the character is something we’ve bonded over. His birthday is in May. Since Marvel tends to kick their summer off around that time, practically every year I’ve had a movie to take him to around his birthday. In 2008, we saw the first Iron Man together in a little theatre in East Texas. When we saw Endgame together, it was in the same theatre. We ended our journey with Tony Stark in the same place it began. Just thought I’d share that.

You are a once-in-a-generation casting for this role. Others might have been able to do him justice, but you took the very real pain from your personal life and used it to bring Tony to life in a way that felt right, felt true. I am thankful for every second of every appearance of your Tony Stark. From the bottom of my fanboy heart, thank you.

Part of the journey is the end.

Truth is, I’m super selfish. If you had played him 100 times, I would want to see 101. I know that there comes a time for all things to end. And as heroic ends go, Tony’s is pretty hard to beat; he not only defeated Thanos, but saved the life of every living being in the universe. Every character we see from now on in an MCU film owes Tony a debt of gratitude. We’ve already seen the shadow that his absence casts, particularly over Peter Parker. I am curious to see how his legacy unfolds moving forward, especially as we get into shows like Armor Wars and Ironheart.

I’m sure that you’ve heard this a million times by now, but I sincerely mean it:

I love you 3000.

And really, that goes for everyone associated with this movie.

You are all my heroes.

Thanks for all your time and consideration.

Si vales, valeo.

– Matt Carson


An Open Letter to David Benioff and D.B. Weiss From a Humble Fanboy:

Dear Mr. Benioff and Mr. Weiss,

I know I’m writing to you in the ‘off season’ of Game of Thrones attention, but it has taken a while for me to truly sort out my feelings and thoughts on Season 5. Controversy follows your show. That’s nothing new, but this season seems like it caught a bit more negative attention in the media than in years previous.

To be sure, there are many things about Season 5 that I absolutely adored (which I’ll cover below), but… (and you had to know there’d be a ‘but’) this was countered by many puzzling creative decisions that have left me scratching my head.

So, I thought I would break it down here, plotline by plotline. Of course, the odds of you seeing this, and reading it, are very slim. But, you did see Larry Williams’ Season 1 fan rant over Ned’s beheading, and these open letters are quite cathartic for me, so full steam ahead, I say. (***OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING***):

The Night’s Watch:

Jon Snow

That look…

Let’s start off on a high note. I loved everything about this story arc. Guys, this is you at your best. The acting, the pacing, the sudden yet inevitable betrayal, all of it is some of the best your show has ever put forward. Oh, and HARD HOME! You nailed the action and the emotion of this better than 95% of major motion pictures. And the look of utter defeat and hopeless on Jon’s face as he rowed away… wow, just wow. Regardless of my other issues with Season 5, the Night’s Watch was exactly as it should be, and then some.

King’s Landing:

Cersei Lannister

My how the mighty have fallen.

Also super solid stuff. Cersei hoists her own petard and FINALLY, after five seasons of shenanigans, the Lioness has her actions come back to haunt her. You reap what you sow (unless you’re a Greyjoy, of course). The addition of Jonathan Pryce was inspired, and gave the situation exactly the kind of gravitas it deserved. The Walk of Shame was incredible, and Lena Headey really sold it. I hope she has her acceptance speech in order for the many awards she’s likely to win for that.

Sam and Gilly:

AemonDictatesALetterToSam

The Westrosi Scooby Gang.

Some folks took offense to these two unlikely lovebirds, but I thought they were sweet onscreen together. I do think they took up a bit more screen time than they should have, but I understand you have only 10 hours per season. It’s a little odd that Sam would so openly admit to having sex with Gilly in front of the Lord Commander, but I guess Jon figured there are bigger problems to worry about. Oh, and Maester Aemon’s passing was touching. His final words created a lump in my throat the size of a small grapefruit. True story.

Brienne and Pod:

Game_of_Throne_Season_5_08

I could watch a whole show about these two. Seriously.

These two are way ‘off book’ in their travels, but I think you handled it pretty well. I like these characters, and they pair well.  It felt like we sort of lost them in the middle episodes, and Brienne ultimately failed at her sworn duty by missing that candle in the window, but she had her reckoning with Stannis (or so I’m led to believe). I hope that she’ll go on to bigger and better things now. Oh, and kudos on her explanation of why Renly meant so much to her. Nailed it.

Jaime, Dorne, and the Sand Snakes:

GOT-season-5-21

Shouldn’t you be in the Riverlands?

Okay, so I’ve been pretty congratulatory up until now. What happened here, guys? Seriously, why include Doran, the Sand Snakes, et al. if the amount of screen time they get is so small? The reasoning behind every plot point was a ‘huh’ moment, the fight scene with the Sand Snakes looked like it was out of the Power Rangers, and the resolution fell flat. Since Myrcella goes down about three-hundred yards from the dock, can we assume that Season 6 will open with Trystan Martell’s head being flung into the ocean? How would Jaime not just turn the ship around right then? I realize you guys have to make changes from the book, but come on. Extra points for including Bronn, though.

Tyrion and Varys (And Jorah):

game-of-thrones-season-5-episode-6-3

So…c*ck merchants are actually a thing in Essos?

Tyrion and Varys are two of my favorite characters in the whole series, so seeing them travel together was a delight. I’m a little sad that we’re not getting an Old Griff/Young Griff storyline, but I get it. The books are the books. The show is the show. And when the Tyrion hand-off happens, I like the dynamic you show between the Bear and the Lion. Both have been through hell. Both are giant disappointments to their respective fathers. The look on Jorah’s face when he finds out that his father was killed by the Night’s Watch is powerful stuff. Iain Glen and Peter Dinklage, together, in a scene. Thank you, D&D.

Arya, Er— I mean “No One”:

No one.

Meryn Trant…LIKE A BOSS.

Maisie Williams is crafted of the finest awesome, and so is Arya. That said, it did feel like her admission into the House of Black and White didn’t require much except standing up to a few random Bravos (who speak the common language, funnily enough). And once she’s in with the Faceless Men, it feels like she spends a good part of the season sweeping floors and cleaning up dead bodies. The real hammer doesn’t fall until the very end, and it was admittedly a doozy, but it didn’t seem like there was much for to do this time around. A pity.

Sansa and the Boltons:

Sansa

Remember this guys? Do you?

Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we?  This, like some elements of Season 5, left me utterly baffled, and in this case a bit sick to my stomach. The Boltons are horrible, yeah, we know. Little Finger pawns Sansa off to them ‘cause he’s a Machiavellian manipulator, fine. But you started to invest in Sansa as a character, making her more of a player and less of a piece on the cyvasse board. If you aren’t going to use the books as your foundation (and please don’t try to turn the issue on its head with the lame ‘isn’t it odd who gets our sympathy and who doesn’t?’ argument), how did you come up with this train wreck? Why did you build Sansa up only to break her down again? I thought we were done with her being a helpless victim at the hands of a sexually abusive, sadistic psycho, who can only be saved by a man? No? Another round you say? Oh, D&D…this is me walking behind you with a bell. SHAME! *clang* SHAME! *clang*

Stannis and Friends:

s05e09_1_stannis_still_mannis-1024x576

Nope.

I really hope you have a trick up your sleeve for the would-be Azor Ahai. Otherwise, this entire part of the story ends with a whimper, not a bang. His defeat left me with a ‘that’s it?’ moment, and the burning of Shireen felt put in for shock value than anything else. It accomplished nothing other than to show us that Stannis is a horrible person who, despite his pretensions, will not hesitate to murder his way to the throne. I knew that already, thanks. (I’ve read the books.) Yes, I know the burning has a grounding in the books (to come), but you’ve certainly left the books behind when it has suited you, why not here? AND I would have been surprised by the act if it had not been telegraphed from a hundred miles away. I knew we were on the countdown, and so did Davos. He rescued Gendry, a boy he barely even knew. Why wouldn’t he have kidnapped Shireen or fought harder to keep her alive? Or even confronted Stannis in his typical cool fashion? Spares, the lot of them.

Dany and the Meereenese Gang:

Dany.

How DOES she get better looking each season? ❤

Again, some folks really didn’t like this part, but I did. It’s Dany becoming a leader, and good is not the same as nice. If anything, I think she was perhaps too lenient on the Old Masters, but maybe that’s just me. While, Dany is perhaps the worst at ride-sharing with her friends in danger, I think things went pretty well here. We finally had Tyrion meet Dany face-to-face! Do you know how long I’ve waited for that? And it was great. My biggest complaint here is that the Unsullied did not account themselves very well. They are supposed be Eunuch Spartans for crying out loud! I understand a few of them getting surprised, but once more than three are able to rally and join shields, regular guys with silk robes and daggers (against spears and shields) should be D-E-A-D. And while Barristan the Bold did okay, that was a pretty poor send-off for the acknowledged greatest living knight. That said, thank you for not giving Dany the flux at the end there. I take that as a personal kindness, and I’m sure Emilia Clarke does as well.

So, there you have it – just one fanboy’s take on it all. Even though I think there were some gigantic misfires in Season 5, I want you to know that I’m not mad at you. You have given me some of the best programming I’ve ever seen on the small screen, and I think you are doing the material justice overall.

And now, you guys will likely spoil some secrets before the remaining books come out. The race is already on between The Winds of Winter and Season 6, and I’m pretty sure you guys will get there first. But even if GRRM gets TWoW out first, you’ll definitely beat him to the last book. That puts the two of you in a unique position that, as fans of the book, I’m sure you can appreciate. Every GoT fan that exists wishes they were in your place, to know the secrets of how it all ends.

Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. I can’t know the hours and hours the two of you have put into this project, of just how personal a thing it is for you. This is your baby, and you’ve owned it, a project that even the author himself didn’t think was possible.

Just do me a favor as you go through the final seasons of this show: respect your audience. This show exists because of the fans, not despite them.  Season 5 was a mixed bag, and the parts that didn’t work felt either half-hearted or gratuitous. Are those the words you really want associated with what is surely your magnum opus?

You guys have proven, time and again, that you know how to deliver an epic experience to us, and keep us glued to our TVs on Sunday nights. Do that. Show us the world GRRM imagined, in all its wonder, in all its flawed and savage beauty. Don’t insult our intelligence, or go for the obvious gimmick, or think that rape equals female character development.

You’re better than that.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely (and with much love),

— Matt Carson

P.S. – The North Remembers.


An Open Letter to Michael Bay From a Humble Fanboy:

[My blog has been on semi-hiatus the last few months as I finish up on one novel and begin another. This Fourth of July weekend I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction, which prompted me to reopen my blog for this letter.]

Dear Mr. Bay,

First off, let me congratulate you on an incredible opening weekend for your recent film, Transformers: Age of Extinction. In less than a week, the movie has made over $128 million dollars. I’d say you’re on target to shatter all manner of box office records and sit astride the top-earning slot of this year’s summer blockbuster season.

Which is why we’ve really got to talk.

Now, this isn’t an angry letter. No, sir. Anger implies a burning rage, and a fiery lack of rational understanding. No, after watching TF:AOE, I’m cold. Oh so cold.

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of this letter, I must first make an admission: Your movies are my guilty pleasure. Say what you will about their plot, story, and intrinsic artistic value – your visuals are spectacular. You constantly push the envelope of movie-making technology to produce films that are breathtaking. No one can make explosions looks as beautiful as you on screen. I mean that. Truly.

But…

I can say without hesitation, and greatest conviction, that TF:AOE is your worst film to date. Perhaps my criticisms (to follow) are better suited to one of the other Executive Producers of the film, or perhaps the screenwriter, or indeed anyone involved with the movie’s creative direction, but seeing as how you are the Director, the proverbial Captain of this ship, the responsibility is ultimately yours.

Simply put, I’m a fan of Transformers, and have been since my childhood. I could elaborate on the various expressions of this fandom, but in the interests of brevity let me say that it will be hard for you to find a person who loves this property more than I do. When I heard back in 2006 that you were helming the first Transformers film, I was cautiously optimistic about it. You are, after all, on the short-list of action directors capable of turning out a blockbuster of this magnitude. Since my first brush with your take on the franchise, however, there have been some trouble spots.

I suffered through Bumblebee urinating on John Turturro in the first installment. I gritted my teeth in the second movie as we saw that Devastator was anatomically correct. I even kept my composure during the barren cinematic landscape of Dark of the Moon. And yet, call me sentimental, but there were shining moments in that trilogy that gave me hope, that kept bringing me back into the theatre in 2009 and 2011, like an abusive relationship that hurts you again and again, but that you cannot quite bring yourself to break off.

After seeing TF:AOE, I’m afraid my little fanboy heart cannot stand it anymore. It’s just been broken too many times, and most recently by you. (Spoilers Ahead! You have been warned.) I do not enjoy seeing characters from previous movies, even CGI ones, brutally murdered while on their knees, begging for their lives, and decrying, “Wait! What are you doing — I’m one of your friends!” Nor do I appreciate characters who have proven themselves competent in the past suddenly losing their temper, acting like spoiled children, and endangering themselves and the lives of others in the process. The same goes for the amount of collateral damage and indiscriminate destruction that so-called “Autobots” wreaked in Bejing. But the butcher’s bill of misfires made here, every plothole covered with glorious, glorious special effects, the casual and unending objectification of women, the uncomfortable racial and cultural stereotypes, the tissue-thin depth of the characters – all of it – pales before the final straw that broke the back of my fandom. (I mean, all those tropes are at least part of your regular schtick, right?)

The final sin, the place this movie went that the others at their worst avoided, is Optimus Prime. You turned him into an angry, embittered maniac who is as ineffectual as a warrior as he is a leader. He kills people, humans, in this movie. It’s bad enough that I had to see Superman snap General Zod’s neck in Man of Steel, but now Optimus Prime, paragon of wisdom and virtue, just executes a guy. No attempt to have him answer for his crimes, or see that justice is done, just point and fire with as much emotional response to the killing as a mafia hitman (meaning no disrespect to any mafia hitmen who might read this). After that, it came as no surprise that his final coup d’grace was stabbing the bad guy in the back.

But it’s worse than even that. What really drives white-hot pokers into my soul is that Optimus gives up on us. Despite all his talk in the original trilogy that “freedom is the right of all sentient beings” and that “they are a young race, capable of great compassion” he is more than willing to turn his back on us when we are, as the name of the movie implies, facing extinction, and Mark Wahlberg has to give Optimus the pep talk about why he should continue to fight, not the other way around. There is a direct quote from the end of Dark of the Moon, spoken by Prime: “There will be days when we lose faith, days when our allies turn against us, but the day will never come when we forsake the planet and its peoples.” What happened to that Prime? Can we get him back in the next movie?

In casting him in this light, this movie did what I thought was an impossibility…it made me hate Optimus Prime. Me. I realize that you don’t know me, or the deep significance that this character holds for me, but let us just say that I still tear up a bit when I see Optimus die in the 1986 animated movie. Scarred for life, I was. Prime may very well be my favorite character in all of fiction, and I despised him by the end of this movie. That, Mr. Bay, I can never forgive.

Let me take a step back at this point, breathe and count to ten. There, better now. Allow me to throw a few facts your way. At the time of this writing, TF:AOE has earned itself 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. That is on par with Showgirls (also at 17%), which is widely regarded as one of the worst movies ever made. This movie ranks lower than the huge disaster Battleship, which was a blatant rip-off of the Transformers movie franchise, as well as your own distinctive visual style. By comparison, it sits at 34%. Battleship! You’ve been outdone by one of your weakest imitators.

Good God, man…Battleship!

The disconnect between the quality of the story and its undeniable commercial success worldwide tells me that you have labored to produce the cinematic equivalent of Twilight, the book not the movie. Perhaps that doesn’t matter to you. Perhaps you’re content, even satisfied, with how TF:AOE came out. Or perhaps it was just a job and/or an enormous payday to you. I can’t speak for your reasoning, but I can tell you that I’m embarrassed for you. There is more heart and soul in the merest fraction of your Lionel Richie video documentary (a fine musician and artist, I hasten to add) than can be found in the entirety of this soulless (sparkless?), joyless movie.

Now, I write these words in the knowledge that you will likely never read them. In truth, this is more a catharsis for me than a critique for you. But assuming you do read this, and you’ve made it this far, I might as well go the whole nine yards. To that end, allow me to illustrate for you what it was like to sit through all three hours of this movie, in a convenient bullet-point format:

  • This movie was akin to sitting in the basement of a Porta Potty, looking up, while it is being used on an unseasonably warm State Fair Day
  • Watching this movie weakened my faith in humanity, when it had previously survived the onslaughts of Jersey Shore, Toddlers and Tiaras, and Honey Boo Boo
  • Seeing this movie made me feel like how a trash dump full of zombies and old socks smells
  • It was tantamount to seeing a school bus full of puppies fall into a volcano, when the volcano also eats souls
  • Exactly like watching the worst movie I’ve ever seen, where cherished characters from my childhood are criminally misunderstood, with staggering amounts of unnecessary scenes, plot holes Optimus himself could drive through, worn-out clichés, placeholder dialogue, and amateur-hour characterization, making me wonder how something so singularly god-awful was ever released in the first place

And while we are on the subject, allow me to elaborate the things I would rather do than watch this movie ever again:

  • Watch Star Wars: Attack of Clones twelve straight times, back-to-back, including all the footage of Jar-Jar from the entire prequel trilogy
  • Take college algebra again.
  • Throw a punch at Mike Tyson, before or after insulting his significant other
  • Die. Just die
  • Awaken Great Cthulhu from his dark and terrible slumber. (Though, to be honest, any of the Great Old Ones would suffice in His place)

Okay, so I’m taking a few liberties here, but again – catharsis, remember? Despite the fact that I must part ways with you for the crimes of this movie, let me leave you with this thought.

I want to help you.

While I understand that these movies are most definitely not made with the fans of Transformers in mind, perhaps I can save you some whining from heartbroken souls such as myself in the future. Story is cheap. It’s words on a page. With a $210 million dollar budget, the story of a movie like this has to be the cheapest part of your production costs, and the easiest to change. Again, your special effects are incredible, to the point that I can see the minute details of Hound’s bushy beard. Why can’t that level of detail, thought, and attention go into the base story itself? Honestly, as a fan, is that too much to ask?

So, I am offering my services to you, Mr. Bay. Next time you go to visit the Transformers universe, call me. You need someone on your team who loves this franchise, since it is clear from this offering you are lacking such a someone. I will be stupidly happy (like a live-action role-player at a renaissance festival) to help you avoid making another movie like this one, and you will find that my fee will be a paltry, practically insignificant sum next to whatever you’re paying your screenwriter.

Just food for thought.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

-Matt Carson

P.S. – Despite all of this, I enjoyed your cameo in Mystery Men.