Category Archives: General Stuff

September 11, 2015

An Open Letter to David Benioff and D.B. Weiss From a Humble Fanboy:

By The Sector M

Dear Mr. Benioff and Mr. Weiss,

I know I’m writing to you in the ‘off season’ of Game of Thrones attention, but it has taken a while for me to truly sort out my feelings and thoughts on Season 5. Controversy follows your show. That’s nothing new, but this season seems like it caught a bit more negative attention in the media than in years previous.

To be sure, there are many things about Season 5 that I absolutely adored (which I’ll cover below), but… (and you had to know there’d be a ‘but’) this was countered by many puzzling creative decisions that have left me scratching my head.

So, I thought I would break it down here, plotline by plotline. Of course, the odds of you seeing this, and reading it, are very slim. But, you did see Larry Williams’ Season 1 fan rant over Ned’s beheading, and these open letters are quite cathartic for me, so full steam ahead, I say. (***OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING***):

The Night’s Watch:

Jon Snow

That look…

Let’s start off on a high note. I loved everything about this story arc. Guys, this is you at your best. The acting, the pacing, the sudden yet inevitable betrayal, all of it is some of the best your show has ever put forward. Oh, and HARD HOME! You nailed the action and the emotion of this better than 95% of major motion pictures. And the look of utter defeat and hopeless on Jon’s face as he rowed away… wow, just wow. Regardless of my other issues with Season 5, the Night’s Watch was exactly as it should be, and then some.

King’s Landing:

Cersei Lannister

My how the mighty have fallen.

Also super solid stuff. Cersei hoists her own petard and FINALLY, after five seasons of shenanigans, the Lioness has her actions come back to haunt her. You reap what you sow (unless you’re a Greyjoy, of course). The addition of Jonathan Pryce was inspired, and gave the situation exactly the kind of gravitas it deserved. The Walk of Shame was incredible, and Lena Headey really sold it. I hope she has her acceptance speech in order for the many awards she’s likely to win for that.

Sam and Gilly:

AemonDictatesALetterToSam

The Westrosi Scooby Gang.

Some folks took offense to these two unlikely lovebirds, but I thought they were sweet onscreen together. I do think they took up a bit more screen time than they should have, but I understand you have only 10 hours per season. It’s a little odd that Sam would so openly admit to having sex with Gilly in front of the Lord Commander, but I guess Jon figured there are bigger problems to worry about. Oh, and Maester Aemon’s passing was touching. His final words created a lump in my throat the size of a small grapefruit. True story.

Brienne and Pod:

Game_of_Throne_Season_5_08

I could watch a whole show about these two. Seriously.

These two are way ‘off book’ in their travels, but I think you handled it pretty well. I like these characters, and they pair well.  It felt like we sort of lost them in the middle episodes, and Brienne ultimately failed at her sworn duty by missing that candle in the window, but she had her reckoning with Stannis (or so I’m led to believe). I hope that she’ll go on to bigger and better things now. Oh, and kudos on her explanation of why Renly meant so much to her. Nailed it.

Jaime, Dorne, and the Sand Snakes:

GOT-season-5-21

Shouldn’t you be in the Riverlands?

Okay, so I’ve been pretty congratulatory up until now. What happened here, guys? Seriously, why include Doran, the Sand Snakes, et al. if the amount of screen time they get is so small? The reasoning behind every plot point was a ‘huh’ moment, the fight scene with the Sand Snakes looked like it was out of the Power Rangers, and the resolution fell flat. Since Myrcella goes down about three-hundred yards from the dock, can we assume that Season 6 will open with Trystan Martell’s head being flung into the ocean? How would Jaime not just turn the ship around right then? I realize you guys have to make changes from the book, but come on. Extra points for including Bronn, though.

Tyrion and Varys (And Jorah):

game-of-thrones-season-5-episode-6-3

So…c*ck merchants are actually a thing in Essos?

Tyrion and Varys are two of my favorite characters in the whole series, so seeing them travel together was a delight. I’m a little sad that we’re not getting an Old Griff/Young Griff storyline, but I get it. The books are the books. The show is the show. And when the Tyrion hand-off happens, I like the dynamic you show between the Bear and the Lion. Both have been through hell. Both are giant disappointments to their respective fathers. The look on Jorah’s face when he finds out that his father was killed by the Night’s Watch is powerful stuff. Iain Glen and Peter Dinklage, together, in a scene. Thank you, D&D.

Arya, Er— I mean “No One”:

No one.

Meryn Trant…LIKE A BOSS.

Maisie Williams is crafted of the finest awesome, and so is Arya. That said, it did feel like her admission into the House of Black and White didn’t require much except standing up to a few random Bravos (who speak the common language, funnily enough). And once she’s in with the Faceless Men, it feels like she spends a good part of the season sweeping floors and cleaning up dead bodies. The real hammer doesn’t fall until the very end, and it was admittedly a doozy, but it didn’t seem like there was much for to do this time around. A pity.

Sansa and the Boltons:

Sansa

Remember this guys? Do you?

Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we?  This, like some elements of Season 5, left me utterly baffled, and in this case a bit sick to my stomach. The Boltons are horrible, yeah, we know. Little Finger pawns Sansa off to them ‘cause he’s a Machiavellian manipulator, fine. But you started to invest in Sansa as a character, making her more of a player and less of a piece on the cyvasse board. If you aren’t going to use the books as your foundation (and please don’t try to turn the issue on its head with the lame ‘isn’t it odd who gets our sympathy and who doesn’t?’ argument), how did you come up with this train wreck? Why did you build Sansa up only to break her down again? I thought we were done with her being a helpless victim at the hands of a sexually abusive, sadistic psycho, who can only be saved by a man? No? Another round you say? Oh, D&D…this is me walking behind you with a bell. SHAME! *clang* SHAME! *clang*

Stannis and Friends:

s05e09_1_stannis_still_mannis-1024x576

Nope.

I really hope you have a trick up your sleeve for the would-be Azor Ahai. Otherwise, this entire part of the story ends with a whimper, not a bang. His defeat left me with a ‘that’s it?’ moment, and the burning of Shireen felt put in for shock value than anything else. It accomplished nothing other than to show us that Stannis is a horrible person who, despite his pretensions, will not hesitate to murder his way to the throne. I knew that already, thanks. (I’ve read the books.) Yes, I know the burning has a grounding in the books (to come), but you’ve certainly left the books behind when it has suited you, why not here? AND I would have been surprised by the act if it had not been telegraphed from a hundred miles away. I knew we were on the countdown, and so did Davos. He rescued Gendry, a boy he barely even knew. Why wouldn’t he have kidnapped Shireen or fought harder to keep her alive? Or even confronted Stannis in his typical cool fashion? Spares, the lot of them.

Dany and the Meereenese Gang:

Dany.

How DOES she get better looking each season? ❤

Again, some folks really didn’t like this part, but I did. It’s Dany becoming a leader, and good is not the same as nice. If anything, I think she was perhaps too lenient on the Old Masters, but maybe that’s just me. While, Dany is perhaps the worst at ride-sharing with her friends in danger, I think things went pretty well here. We finally had Tyrion meet Dany face-to-face! Do you know how long I’ve waited for that? And it was great. My biggest complaint here is that the Unsullied did not account themselves very well. They are supposed be Eunuch Spartans for crying out loud! I understand a few of them getting surprised, but once more than three are able to rally and join shields, regular guys with silk robes and daggers (against spears and shields) should be D-E-A-D. And while Barristan the Bold did okay, that was a pretty poor send-off for the acknowledged greatest living knight. That said, thank you for not giving Dany the flux at the end there. I take that as a personal kindness, and I’m sure Emilia Clarke does as well.

So, there you have it – just one fanboy’s take on it all. Even though I think there were some gigantic misfires in Season 5, I want you to know that I’m not mad at you. You have given me some of the best programming I’ve ever seen on the small screen, and I think you are doing the material justice overall.

And now, you guys will likely spoil some secrets before the remaining books come out. The race is already on between The Winds of Winter and Season 6, and I’m pretty sure you guys will get there first. But even if GRRM gets TWoW out first, you’ll definitely beat him to the last book. That puts the two of you in a unique position that, as fans of the book, I’m sure you can appreciate. Every GoT fan that exists wishes they were in your place, to know the secrets of how it all ends.

Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. I can’t know the hours and hours the two of you have put into this project, of just how personal a thing it is for you. This is your baby, and you’ve owned it, a project that even the author himself didn’t think was possible.

Just do me a favor as you go through the final seasons of this show: respect your audience. This show exists because of the fans, not despite them.  Season 5 was a mixed bag, and the parts that didn’t work felt either half-hearted or gratuitous. Are those the words you really want associated with what is surely your magnum opus?

You guys have proven, time and again, that you know how to deliver an epic experience to us, and keep us glued to our TVs on Sunday nights. Do that. Show us the world GRRM imagined, in all its wonder, in all its flawed and savage beauty. Don’t insult our intelligence, or go for the obvious gimmick, or think that rape equals female character development.

You’re better than that.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely (and with much love),

— Matt Carson

P.S. – The North Remembers.

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August 11, 2015

Best Served Cold: Why You Should Never Cross a Fiction Writer

By The Sector M

George R.R. Martin is often quoted as saying, “A reader lives a thousand times before he dies. The man who never reads lives only once.”  What about the other side of that coin?

Well, let me tell you, a writer can kill you a thousand times on paper if you cross him or her. The character may not have your name, or even look anything remotely like you, but a fiction writer, particularly a sci-fi writer, contemplates destroying whole star systems or galaxies during a lunch break. What do you think they’ll do to you?

He tasks me...

It is very cold…in spaaaaace.

Is it just a quiet power trip? A revenge fantasy? More than just a tad petty? Sure it is, but I challenge any fiction writer out there to tell me they’ve never done this. I mean, someone has to get fed to the dragon, right? So why not an abusive boss or your old grade-school bully?

Here’s one of my own literary paybacks:

In college, my degree plan required a sales class. You couldn’t get out of it since it was a prerequisite, which was bad news for introverted guys like yours truly. About 60% of your grade for this class was ‘lab.’ In practice, that meant that the university newspaper gave each student some of the sorriest, most underperforming clients they had on file and expected the students to physically go to these clients (calling them on the phone was expressly forbidden) to solicit ad space in the paper.

Without a doubt, this was the most blatant example of student exploitation I experienced during my years there. No commission for anything you sold, no reimbursement for gas (and believe me, gas money was pretty scarce back then). And to top it off, I was paying for the privilege of doing this for them.

The Doctor will not.

What? WHAAAT?

The man who headed up this program will remain nameless here, though I will say that his name looked and sounded cool. That was sort of a theme with this guy, looking and sounding cool. He had that salesman ‘aura’ to him with great hair and a politician’s polished smile. Dealing with him on any level was the worst for the very fact that he had training on how to overcome objections, and get people to do something that they wouldn’t want to do in the first place. The class remains the most difficult, awkward, and frustrating of my student career.

Years later, I needed a character name that sounded cool, though the character himself was dead. I don’t just mean died-fighting-lions-in-the-coliseum dead, I mean launched-into-the-cold-void-of-space-and-then-falls-headfirst-into-a-star-and-somehow-there’s-a-waiting-volcano-on-the-surface-of-that-star-that-also-has-fangs, irrevocably, irretrievably DEAAAAAAD.

Crunchy

In other words…TOAST.

Well, I flipped through my mental roll-a-dex. Guess who came to mind? Yep, Mr. Perfect-Hair himself. He may never know it, or read any of my stuff, or care one jot or tittle even he did, but I know. That’s my little Easter egg, my private joke to myself.

So, if in your daily travels you come across a person who says that they write fiction, be nice to them. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if one day the first person who gets their soul devoured by Great Cthulhu bears a striking resemblance to someone you know.

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June 19, 2015

Fanboy Movie Review #3 – Jurassic World

By The Sector M

[Note: I do not consider myself a movie critic. What follows is just one fanboy’s opinion based off of a single viewing of the film. Oh, and there are SPOILERS ahead, so take heed.]

Jurassic World earned more than $500 million dollars worldwide its first weekend, the largest opening in cinema history. I sat down – Slurpee in hand – to watch this summer juggernaut, and here are my thoughts on it. Remember, SPOILERS ahead if you haven’t seen it yet.

RAAAWR!

Well, really just one island…but I take their meaning.

First Impressions: This movie seems like a retread of the first Jurassic Park: People think they can contain the primal fury of dinosaurs until a series of unfortunate events shows humans how little we can control anything. This time around, the park is open, which is new. It also ups the stakes because there are more people in the line of fire. But, the others have been good popcorn flicks, perfect summer blockbuster fare, so why not?

On the hunt

OOOHHHH YEEEEAAAAH! *said in a Kool-Aid Man voice*

What I Liked:

  • CHRIS PRATT! He has the perfect combination of physicality, comic timing, and acting ability to be a heroic action leading man. Can we put him in every major action movie from now on? K’thanks.
  • All the nods back to the original Jurassic Park, from the vintage T-shirt to finding the old museum and the banner.  Even the score hearkens back to the original, all great. Way to play on my sentimentality and sense of nostalgia.
  • The raptor squad. I know some people thought the idea of raptors actively helping the characters for once was uncool, but I liked it. The most iconic moment of the movie, where I was most into it, was the shot of Owen racing through the woods on his motorcycle, surrounded by his raptors. Awesome.
  • The “Let Them Fight” moment when the T-Rex squares off against the Indominus Rex.
  • Unlike other movies in this series, there was surprisingly little of the ‘shouting someone’s name in the woods and attracting the dinosaurs’ trope.
  • The Mosasaur in general. Every scene it was in, even if it happened to be eating a pterosaur, who was itself in the process of eating a Keira Knightley clone.
  • The park itself. Everything from the signage, the information displays, and the gift shop looked like a fully realized amusement park.
*CHOMP...crunch...crunch...crunch*

Pretty much how I felt every time they were on screen.

What I Didn’t Like:

  • Trying to outrun a dinosaur, especially in heels.
  • The InGen Nazis. They seem to show up in every movie, and always get PWN’D by the dinos. Haven’t they learned anything by now?
  • The KIDS. Movies like this are dependent on people acting contrary to how they would normally, or behaving stupidly. Nowhere is this more apparent than the two brothers. They are the most uninteresting part of the movie, and the most frustrating. No, just no.
  • The raptors turning on Owen, somehow undoing years of training and imprinting, to see the Indominus as the Alpha. It was a good plot twist, I suppose, but then was undone when the raptors switch sides again.
  • A movie that seems to condemn corporate sponsorship has plenty of product placement in it.
  • Claire’s reversal of seeing the dinosaurs as ‘assets’ to living, breathing animals. That didn’t take long, did it?
  • Wouldn’t you check the tracking device BEFORE opening up the containment area? Even if she doesn’t show up on infrared scanners, shouldn’t you take every precaution before potentially stepping into the ring with a genetically modified killing machine?
  • The love story. They only had one date, but a few death-defying encounters with ancient predators and they’re together, huh? Didn’t we see this kind of weaksauce, destined-to-fail kind of romance in Speed?
  • No one can pilot a helicopter on the island except the 8th richest man in the world, who is still isn’t completely checked out. I understand trying to take some responsibility for what is happening, but this seemed like a rather convenient – and stupid – way to get the character out the way so that Vic Hoskins can take over with the aforementioned InGen Nazis.
  • Training raptors for military use? Even with conditioning, would they ever be as a reliable as a drone or just technology in general? I can’t see that ever being a ‘yes.’
???

Riddle me this, Mario.

Unresolved Questions (At Least In My Mind):

  • Why don’t the gyrospheres have an ‘auto-return’ function on them?
  • What was with the unexplained communications failures? They seemed to happen at least twice at critical moments. Convenient.
  • Why was everyone just sitting out in the heat? If the all rides closed, wouldn’t you want to go back to your hotel room (I’m guessing there’s one on the island), or hang out in the shops where it’s air-conditioned?
  • After the previous ‘containment anomalies’ that have happened in Isla Nublar’s history, shouldn’t a full-scale evacuation of the park be something they have multiple contingency plans for, ready to go at a moment’s notice? Titanic, anyone?
  • Why should stealing samples from the lab be a thing anymore? Isla Nublar isn’t their main lab. And doesn’t InGen have multiple labs where the same results can be easily replicated? Oh wait, that was a set up for the next movie. Nevermind.
  • Why does the parents’ divorce play into the story at all? Couldn’t the parents just be sending the boys off to visit their aunt? This adds nothing to the story, and the emotional blow to the boys happens before they are even in danger, and then is never mentioned again.
The philosoraptor strikes again!

Fitting, yes?

Conclusions: I liked this film overall. While it is not one that I’ll see multiple times in the theatre, I do not regret going to see it. It delivered on the action and spectacular visuals, and really I wasn’t expecting much else out of it (like most summer blockbusters).

The film uses some painful tropes which harken back to the mistakes made in the previous movies.  Then again, maybe that’s the point. Jurassic World isn’t a reboot, per se, but I suppose it’s meant to be this generation’s Jurassic Park, and move the franchise forward.  In that light, Jurassic World fulfills its role beautifully.

And that’s the way this fanboy sees it.

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May 6, 2015

An Open Letter to Joss Whedon From A Humble Fanboy:

By The Sector M

Dear Mr. Whedon,

I’d like to start by saying that I saw your movie Avengers: Age of Ultron this past weekend. Twice. So what did I think of it?

I FREAKING LOVED IT!

You’ll note the above statement is underlined, bold, and italics. I want there to be no mistaking my meaning. The purpose of this letter is in no way to criticize your work, tear you down, or cast aspersions on your character. Quite the opposite, in fact. This is something of a love letter to you, so I’ll try not to make it too awkward.

I think there are other directors who could have helmed Age of Ultron, and done quite well with it, but it wouldn’t have been the same. Your directorial stamp  ̶  the skillful flip/flop between humor and tragedy, the banter and dialogue, all those little moments that made Ultron great  ̶  sold me on this movie. Now, I’m not blowing smoke here or trying to get all butter-y on you; the truth is that I love this movie because you made it.

And that is why I have such a hard time understanding the vitriol leveled at this film, particularly from those saying that it’s misogynistic in some way. I get that you can’t please everyone, particularly for a movie that will be seen all over the world, but this, really? I don’t know what film they were watching. I honestly don’t.  And to level this at you of all people! You gave us Buffy and Willow, Zoe and Kaylee, and Echo and Fred, just to scratch the surface. Black Widow is another in the long line of strong, beautiful, badass ladies you’ve brought to life on screen.

You have written/are writing/will continue to write some of the strongest female characters that exist. A great multitude of writers could really learn from your lesson, particularly in the realm of comic book movies. (David Goyer, I’m looking in your direction. She-Hulk, really?)

I don’t know what it was that compelled you to deactivate your Twitter account, but I’m sure that this backlash didn’t help. Regardless, I hope that you will come back at some point. Your fans love you. (Also because it will be significantly harder to Tweet this to you if you don’t.)

Look, I’m not a movie director, and certainly not one tapped to helm a tent-pole blockbuster like an Avengers sequel.  I have no clue what it’s like to work with Marvel Studios, or the pressure and worry that come with it. I’m sure it was no picnic. Furthermore, you had to set up so much that will take place in future Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. No rose garden there, either.

But when you resolve people’s expectations of what they wanted Ultron to be, along with all the things it had to be, I’d say that you were given a Herculean task in all this, exceeding that of even the first Avengers.  And in my estimation, you didn’t just choke the Nemean Lion, you popped his head off with a flex of your mighty bicep to score a sweet basket from center court. Nothing but net.

As I’ve been writing this, I’ve been listening to “A Promise” from the first Avengers soundtrack.  It’s my favorite track on that album, and that’s saying something. If I recall, this music plays during the part where Nick Fury and Agent Hill are talking on the bridge of the helicarrier. When Hill asks Fury what makes him so sure that the Avengers will come back if Earth finds itself once again in peril, Fury simply says, “Because we’ll need them to.”

That is my hope for you, Mr. Whedon  ̶  that you will return to the Marvel Cinematic Universe one day, despite it all. These superhero movies need you, whether they will admit it or not.

Now, I hope you don’t take all this as the little kid tugging at the pant leg of the hero in the third act, saying: “You can do it, mister! I believe in you!” No, I think the best-case scenario for me here is to be the convenient wind that carries Indiana Jones’ fedora back to him as the music starts to swell. At any rate, you have a true gift for this work and a love of these characters that is undeniable in the finished product. You are a Big Damn Hero to me and to so many other fanboys and fangirls out there.

Please remember that.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

– Matt Carson

P.S.  ̶  You may not remember me, but we met once. It was at the last Buffy Bash in LA, circa 2004. I was the long-haired gentleman in the suit who gave you a semi-translucent plastic card of Buffy from the Buffy trading card game. Good times.

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May 1, 2015

The Golden Age of the Geekosphere

By The Sector M

Tonight, I’m going to see Avengers: Age of Ultron (the movie I’m most excited to see this summer). That got me to thinking about the multitude of things that make being a geek/nerd/fanboy/fangirl just so cool these days.

Yes, we’ve got it pretty good, and here are 5 of my favorite reasons why:

1.) Nerd/Science Culture Acceptance

Bazinga!

What he said.

Let’s start with the most general of them. Over the last few years, what has been traditionally ‘nerd’ culture has leaked over into mainstream. Game of Thrones has been instrumental in this shift, along with shows like The Big Bang Theory and Sherlock. While the former has given us our share of fantasy and dragons (historically in the purview of geeks), the latter two have shown us that intelligent characters can carry a narrative, going far beyond the tape-around-the-glasses/pocket protector stereotypes of generations before.

We also have TV shows like Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson, where we can see the beauty of science, and why it’s useful. We have websites like Geeks are Sexy and IFLScience. We can watch the livestream of the ISS, see sunsets from the surface of Mars, and use brand-new images of planets from Mercury to Ceres as our computer wallpaper. We may not have starships (yet), but little by little science is spreading into the public consciousness.

Maybe we’re a long way from mainstream or wholesale acceptance, but it’s a start. I’ll certainly take it.

2.) The Marvel Cinematic Universe

Assemble!

A triumph of the human spirit.

Okay, so you might think this is a big step down from #1, but go with me for a moment.  The Marvel Cinematic Universe did the impossible – it wove individual movie franchises into one big story. Despite its name, it isn’t just about the cinema anymore. We now have TV shows like Agent Carter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, and Daredevil, not to mention comic books and cartoons, all of which take place in the MCU.

While this by itself makes the comic book fanboy in me want to do the Snoopy dance, the MCU showed audiences and studios alike that this is viable way to make movies. Marvel has plans for more movies in the MCU through 2020 and beyond.

That means that we will wind up with at least two decades of superhero movies, if you start the clock with X-Men in the year 2000. And the current generation of movie-goers will have had the privilege of living through this era, of seeing all this unfold in the theatre. That’s pretty exciting.

One of these days the MCU might play out, but right now it’s going strong. Even if others try to emulate the MCU badly (*cough* DC *cough*), we at least got Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy out of the deal, so go us!

3.) The Regeneration of Doctor Who

Vale Decem

You don’t have to go.

The years 1989 to 2004 were a dark time for Whovians. The only Who we got back then was that pretty awful TV movie that was a weak attempt at a reboot. I do admit to liking the style and charisma that Paul McCann brought to the character, and this was the first time we saw Who with more ‘modern’ effects. But… the Seventh Doctor got a punk death, Eric Roberts played the Master, and the story was just plain bad, and clearly written by people who were not invested in the franchise.

In 2005, however, Russell T. Davies rekindled the series with Christopher Eccleston as the title role. Steven Moffat took over as showrunner after David Tennant’s run, and the show is still going strong. I hope the BBC will learn from its mistake in 1989 and keep the show going indefinitely. Now that the ’12 Regeneration Limit’ issue has been addressed, there’s no reason why Doctor Who can’t continue to move forward with new adventures.  Doctor Who is something that science fiction fandom needs, and for the foreseeable future, we have it.

4.) Netflix & YouTube (& All the Social Media)

<3

I laughed, I cried, I rebuffered.

This is a pretty broad category, to be sure. Netflix and other video streaming platforms have given fans an unprecedented access to episodes of our favorite shows, past and present. Previously, fans had to make do with a library of DVDs or VHS tapes. Though there is often a delay between when a program is broadcast and when it ends up streaming, it gives fans nowadays the ability to binge watch whole shows. It’s just as easy to watch the original G1 Transformers as it is to watch the Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D.

YouTube has made a great addition to fandom as well. Here you can share fan theories and lateral content, parodies, song covers, and cosplay advice. Some of the fan-made trailers for movies and TV shows are in many ways better than the actual thing. It’s a wide-open canvas for fans to express their creativity. If that weren’t enough, social media sites bring fans news and information with unprecedented speed, as well as giving us a way to connect with the people who make the TV shows, movies, and music videos unlike ever before. You could tweet to Neil Gaiman, Lindsey Stirling, or Emilia Clarke and they might actually Tweet back.

TECHNOLOGY!

5.) ThinkGeek

Hey, listen!

With or without a promo code.

What’s the surest way to know that geek fandoms are doing well? Merchandising. Manufacturers wouldn’t make a pizza cutter in the shape of the Enterprise, or plush facehuggers if they didn’t think there was a market for them. Turns out there is.

Marketing licensed merch and cool gadgets is nothing new, but no one, and I mean no one, does it better than ThinkGeek. There are endless places online to find fan-based T-shirts, but ThinkGeek goes above and beyond. They have collectibles, apparel, gadgets, toys, and things you didn’t think anyone would make but you are sure glad that they did.  Seriously, folks, there is a spotlight small enough to sit on your desk that is a miniature Bat Signal.

Beyond that, it feels like the people at ThinkGeek actually get these licenses. They know what these properties mean to the fans because they are fans of them themselves. Do yourself a favor and go sign up for their email newsletter. When it comes in, read it. Does is it sound like you are being pandered to by people who wouldn’t know a Wookie from a Dalek? Nope, not at all. It’s more like walking into a meet & greet at a local convention. They’re the friends-in-fandom you never knew you had. If you haven’t already, go check them out.

A Final Word

There are many more things I could list about the awesomeness of modern geekery, but that would take more than a humble blog post to even scratch the surface.  The upshot of it is: there has never been a better time to be a fan, and I’m glad to be a part of it all.

May this emerging golden age of the Geekosphere Live Long and Prosper.

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March 14, 2015

Bronies and Fan Shaming

By The Sector M

Look at any of the ‘about me’ sections here on my blog, my website, or Facebook page and you’ll see that I self-identify as a ‘fanboy.’ I am not ashamed to admit that I, as a grown man, love things like Transformers, Doctor Who, Star Trek, and any number of others.

Back in 2010 we saw the emergence of yet another type of fandom, this one stemming from Hasbro’s G4 reboot of the My Little Pony franchise. This caused a bit of a stir, however; some of the fans of the show were males of college age or older, calling themselves “Bronies.” While the term has since come to encompass female fans of the show as well, it’s not always easy to separate the ‘bro’ out of brony in the public consciousness.

Rainbow Dash

This blog post needs to be about 20% cooler.

So, we have grown men who are fans of a cartoon meant for little girls. Give that a moment’s consideration, folks. Does the idea of such a thing give you a twinge of doubt, or pause, or even make you a shade uncomfortable? If so, you might ponder why that is. I’ve given the subject a bit of thought myself, and here’s what I’ve found.

The Formula:

Let’s break this down to its elemental components. The factors that play a part here are gender, age, and fandom. Let’s explore a few examples:

Female + Age 8 + My Little Pony = Totally okay.
Male + Age 3 + My Little Pony = Okay, but he’ll grow out of it.

Female + Age 36 + Transformers = I wore parachute pants, too!
Male + Age 36 + Transformers = Oh, you’re a collector?

Female + Age 36 + My Little Pony = I still have my stuffed animals, too.
Male + Age 36 + My Little Pony = Ewww…pervert.

It’s that last combination that doesn’t jive with many of our notions of gender roles and age appropriateness. While a boy might be able to like a girl’s show when he’s little and doesn’t know the difference, he had better be playing with Tonka trucks and action figures by about age 7 and beyond.

The Manliest Brony In The World

This man builds Harley-Davidson motorcycles and is also one of the biggest Bronies in the world. Can’t you just hear the preconceived notions shattering like glass?

Ask yourself: is it really fair to think of female Transformers fans as an interesting anomaly, while male My Little Pony fans are somehow an aberration? Where is it written that you can only like something if you’re part of the target demographic? It’s a double-standard that fandom in general doesn’t need, and it should be eradicated whenever possible.

Why is that?

Apples to Apples:

While I can understand why the general public might immediately balk at the idea of Bronies, the most unsettling part of this story to me is the negative treatment Bronies have received from members of other fandoms.

Nerd/geek/fanboy demi-god Wil Wheaton once said, and I’m paraphrasing: “Fandom is about loving something, and not being apologetic about it.” If you’re a die-hard fan, it means you love something much more than the average person sitting next to you on the train. Maybe it’s the Philadelphia Eagles, or comic books, or Stars Wars. It doesn’t matter. One type of fandom is not inherently better or worse than any other.

COEXIST

There’s enough room in the ‘Verse for all of us.

Who knows why you love it so much. The reasons why are irrelevant; you love it, and as Wheaton said, you shouldn’t be apologetic about it. It is absolutely absurd for a bare-chested man, painted in green and yellow, sporting a headpiece shaped like a wedge of cheese, to look down on a woman who cosplays David Tennant’s Tenth Doctor. The same goes for a man dressed as a Klingon ripping on another man for attending a con dressed as Rainbow Dash.

It’s all a kind of silliness when we step back and look at it, so why do we feel the need to judge anyone for it? There’s also another aspect to this to consider.

We Get Enough Shame As It Is:

Story time: when I was in high-school, I used be made fun of for being (amongst other things) a Star Trek fan. I won’t lie, it hurt. At the time, I couldn’t understand why my love for something was of any interest to them. What did it matter? Why did they feel the need to belittle me over something I liked? I just didn’t get it.

Wil Friggin' Wheaton!

For he IS the Kwisatz Haderach!

But now I realize that they were all simply outsiders to the fandom I cherished. If they had had any inkling of what the franchise, the characters, and the lessons in humanity meant to me on a personal level, or better yet, if we had shared some of those experiences in some way, perhaps they would understand why I was winning Trek trivia contests at cons by the age of 14.

Truth is, if you’re a huge fan of something, someone out there will not hesitate to tell you how stupid it is and why you’re an idiot for liking it. If we as fans are already going to get shame from outsiders, why would we ever consider doing that to another group within fandom itself? It’s pointless and self-defeating. We Whovians, Warsies, Trekkies (or Trekkers, if you prefer), Tributes, Gaimanites and Whedonites, et al. have got to stick together.

Final Thoughts:

If you still don’t know what to make of the Brony phenomenon, the best thing to do is actually check out the show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It’s on Netflix. Start from Season 1 and work your way up from there. Educate yourself about it, I dare you. Go listen to the songs “Winter Wrap-up” or “Hearts Strong As Horses” or “Play Your Part” and tell me there’s not something to it.

MLP:FIM

This is the logo. Before you judge, check it out for yourself.

As I said, I was skeptical of it at first, but then I realized I was guilty of the same crimes against fandom that I described above. So I watched it – all of it – and found that it was a show with well-developed characters (portrayed by a stellar VA cast), great world-building, fun and engaging adventures, and more than a little commentary about the nature of friendship itself. I think those are things that any age group or gender can appreciate.

We live in the era of dark, Nolan-esque, gritty reboots, a product of our post-9/11 society. You can see it in James Bond, The Man of Steel, Batman, oh and Transformers. In amongst all the needless collateral damage and blaring “Bwwaaaahhs” in the soundtrack, is it really that hard to believe fans might seek out something more positive and inspirational?

And, in the end, why should we deny anyone that?

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March 1, 2015

Brian’s Comic Contemplations – Of Regeneration and Sloppy Writing

By The Sector M

Since no one who reads Matt’s blog knows me from Black Adam, I’ll give you a quick profile: I’m in the advertising business, and I’ve been reading comics (Marvel) for around 49 years. ‘Nuff said. (I don’t want to bore anyone with the gory details of my Paris to Dakar failure in ’98, or my savage war with the peanut butter industry – I’ll simply leave that to your imagination.)

Anyway, Matt – being quite an intelligent fellow – often regales me with his detailed knowledge of Greek history, movies, and comics. (Notably the DC side of comics, of which I am intrigued by, but largely ignorant.) So when he encouraged me to throw in my two cents on his blog, I was anxious to oblige.

I figured, in an effort to foment some fun thought and discussion, I’d start by hitting a few comic-world opinions you may, or may not agree with.

Here goes:

Wade Wilson

The Merc With A Mouth.

Deadpool – Is it just me, or has the writing for Deadpool become lazy and cyclical? I LOVE Deadpool. The character, the irreverence, the cheeky format that allows them to go to places most comic characters can’t go. But lately, every time I pick up a DP title, the story seems to include some sort of dismemberment for Wade.

Wade sets into “whatever” plot. He encounters a baddie. And the baddie (no matter what his skill level) eviscerates, or disembowels, or amputates, or shoots & stabs him. Naturally, because of his miracle healing power, he generally (arguably?) prevails.

But isn’t Deadpool supposed to be some kind of expert fighter/swordsman/assassin/marksman? Why the inept bumbling with EVERY villain? Every time? I present the following from Marvel’s own Deadpool profile:

Deadpool is an extraordinary hand-to-hand combatant and is skilled in multiple unarmed combat techniques. He is a master of assassination techniques, is an excellent marksman, and is highly skilled with bladed weapons (frequently carrying two swords strapped to his back). He is fluent in Japanese, German, Spanish, amongst other languages.

(For laughs, let’s juxtapose Deady’s stats with say… Hawkeye, who, despite having no real super powers, has (mostly) managed to dodge fatal attacks and dismemberment.)

Deadpool

DEADPOOL

Hawkeye

HAWKEYE

Deadpool’s natural physical attributes have been enhanced. Deadpool’s musculature generates considerably less fatigue toxins than the muscles of an ordinary human being, granting him superhuman levels of stamina in all physical activities. His natural strength, agility and reflexes have been enhanced to levels that are beyond the natural limits of the human body. Deadpool’s agility and reaction time are superior to those of even the finest human athlete.

So how come Mr. Pool keeps getting shot in the face? Is it just for our amusement and titillation? Are the writers so lazy they can’t think of situations where Wade might actually show enough skill to NOT get his arm chopped off? Or is it simply because Wade is so crazy he doesn’t even try to avoid injury?

I’m not saying I never want to see Wade get abused, but once in a while I’d love to see him take care of business without being mutilated. (Sigh) Am I just gettin’ too old for comics? GOD forbid… but maybe.

BONUS CONTEMPLATION:

Marvel-Comics-Classic-Wolverine-Costume-Yellow-Blue

Wolverine – See Deadpool rant. I have the same issue with Mr. Howlett. (Loss-of-healing-factor issues notwithstanding.) I know he comes at enemies like a weed whacking tank – with little thought but, OCCASIONALLY, I’d like to see Logan’s vaunted “Samurai training” and 100-year fighting experience pan out BEFORE he takes a sword/bullet/laser to the gut. JMO, of course, but is it too much to ask?

Again, if Spidey, Cap, Clint Barton, Daredevil, Batman AND Robin can dodge fatal knife, bullet, and death-ray wounds successfully for 50(+) years, why can’t Wolverine and Deadpool once in a blue moon? Throw a little love to character profile continuity.

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January 24, 2015

Of Roman Senators and Patreon

By The Sector M

I am not a professional author, but I would like to become one. It might take years to reach that goal, but I guarantee you that I will reach it sooner with your help than without it.

Let me explain.

Back in ancient Rome, it was popular for the very rich — particularly Senators — to seek out an artist, poet, musician, etc. and become their patron. The deal was this: the Senator would provide the necessities of life so that the artist would be free to pursue their artistic interests.

In return, the Senator would be known as a patron of the arts, and could take partial credit for anything that artist produced. After all, it might not have happened without the Senator’s continued patronage.

12_Rome_Blu-ray

No, seriously, guys…you’ve got to check out this Peter Hollens guy.

Today, it’s a pretty difficult thing for an independent artist to make it out there, and for all the same reasons. The artist in question still has to pay rent, eat, and buy shoes and socks like anyone else. But often it is years, or maybe never, that their art is able to provide enough for them to make a living.

Well, we’ve seen a return of artist sponsoring in recent times with crowdfunding platforms such as Kickstarter, Indiegogo, and Patreon. Instead of depending on a single, super-rich individual to foot all the bills, now it’s possible for many people to contribute a small amount and accomplish the same thing.

motivation_meme

Right – good question, Bobs.

So where am I going with this?

If you are reading this blog, chances are that my work is of some interest to you. I am asking for your help in supporting me in what I love to do. I now have a Patreon account, where you can contribute to my cause on a monthly basis.

The entry level is $1 per month, or $12 a year…or as I like to put it in modern currency, about two modest trips to Starbucks. Or one, if you’re a big spender.

fotr1360

Even the smallest donation can make the difference in the life of an artist.

Now, this isn’t a guilt trip; participation here is strictly voluntary. If you can’t participate or just don’t want to, there are absolutely no hard feelings. And if you do decide to contribute, you are not obligated to do so forever. Give as much or as little as you like, for as long as you like — it’s all up to you.

So, if you think that I am an artist worth supporting, please do so.

It’s really that simple.

Check out my Patreon account and rewards here.

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September 5, 2014

Time Travel via Root Beer

By The Sector M

I have an admission to make: I’m a bottled root beer snob. Some may know all about fine wines, whiskey, or spirits, but not this author. Nope, instead I can go on at length on the flavor differences between St. Arnold’s and Sioux City, Texas Root Beer and Boylans, and on and on…

So why do I bring this up? Well, recently, I rediscovered a brand of root beer that is pure nostalgia. Root beer in general is the fast lane for remembering my childhood, it’s true, but this one is linked to a particularly happy memory, and I thought I’d share it with you. It’s a rarity for me to get personal on this blog, but today I’ll make an exception.

Story time! Let’s the set the Way-Back Machine, Mr. Peabody, to (you guessed it) the ‘80s!

Mixing metaphors again, eh?

Yep, I’m unashamedly mixing genres and fandoms here.

Before my father went into business for himself, he worked at a place called “Hudico,” which was owned and operated by a stern, semi-legendary man named Jim Hudson. It was there that my father learned the basics of how to be a machinist. The building was little more than a hole in the wall in a rural town in Texas. During the summers it was explosively hot inside there. I’m not sure if Jim didn’t believe in air conditioning, or just didn’t want to pay for such a creature comfort. Maybe a bit of both.

I remember very clearly that my mother would take me up to Hudico to see my father on his breaks, as we lived close by. During those moments when my father, just 25-years-old at the time, was not furiously running a lathe, a press, or a mill, we would sit together in the corner near the old beat-up Coke machine (one of the few amenities Jim did allow). The metal monstrosity must’ve come from the ‘30s or earlier. It was the kind where you put your money in and pulled the bottle out lengthwise. Jim never stocked it with any order, so you put your money in and pulled out whatever was next.

You kids get off my lawn!

Pretty much like this, but with post-apocalyptic rust patches and paint scratches.

On more than one occasion, as I sat with my father, the next mystery bottle in queue was a Triple XXX Root Beer. In those quiet moments we would split a drink, and in the Texas heat the ice-cold drink was crisp and vibrant. Often, when we reached the bottom third of the bottle, he would hand it off to me and say those words I had been waiting for: “You can have the rest of it.”

There are times he still says this to me, even as a grown man. It’s one of those catch-phrases that develops between people over time, the kind that instantly takes you back to the moment when it was first coined.

Doing the math, I would have been about four at the time, or just barely five, during those summer breaks with Dad. I sensed even back then that his labors in Jim’s machine shop were to help provide for the family. When I say that his work was paid for in his blood, sweat, and tears, I’m not being figurative, as anyone who’s actually worked in a machine shop before can tell you. But even in the midst of all of that, the harsh conditions, the back-breaking labor, the long hours, he would still take the time to sit down with me for a few minutes, and share a drink.

Time marched on. My father broke away from Hudico and started his own machine shop. After that, Triple XXX root beer fell off the map. I never saw it in stores, or anywhere outside of that one machine, but my memories of it still remained.

Fast forward to the present day.

Recently, I found a specialty candy store that carries all manner of obscure, imported, and even bizarre specialty colas. They have a whole refrigerator dedicated to nothing but bottled root beers of all kinds. On a whim, I scanned the shelves, looking for it.

And there it was, the old-fashioned red and yellow logo, staring me right in the face. I was perhaps more giddy at the find than a grown man probably should be. Understand, though, that this was the holy grail of root beers for me, the express train to one of my happier childhood memories.

Triple XXX Root Beer

And I come to you now…at the turn of the tide.

When I cracked one open, the taste was as distinctive and delicious as I remembered. It wasn’t a DeLorean or a Tardis, but it was certainly the equivalent of a liquid time machine. I was there once again at Hudico, amongst the grime, the grease, and the open sense of optimism for the future.

So, for Christmas this year, I’ll be giving my father a few of these bad boys. (And if you’re reading this, Dad, just try to act surprised, okay?) More than that, I’ll share them with my sons. Perhaps when they’re adults, they can look back on those memories with the same fondness that I have for the ones I carry.

And on those days when we share one, it will do my heart good to hand it to them and finally say, “You can have the rest of it.”

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July 6, 2014

An Open Letter to Michael Bay From a Humble Fanboy:

By The Sector M

[My blog has been on semi-hiatus the last few months as I finish up on one novel and begin another. This Fourth of July weekend I saw Transformers: Age of Extinction, which prompted me to reopen my blog for this letter.]

Dear Mr. Bay,

First off, let me congratulate you on an incredible opening weekend for your recent film, Transformers: Age of Extinction. In less than a week, the movie has made over $128 million dollars. I’d say you’re on target to shatter all manner of box office records and sit astride the top-earning slot of this year’s summer blockbuster season.

Which is why we’ve really got to talk.

Now, this isn’t an angry letter. No, sir. Anger implies a burning rage, and a fiery lack of rational understanding. No, after watching TF:AOE, I’m cold. Oh so cold.

Before I get into the nuts and bolts of this letter, I must first make an admission: Your movies are my guilty pleasure. Say what you will about their plot, story, and intrinsic artistic value – your visuals are spectacular. You constantly push the envelope of movie-making technology to produce films that are breathtaking. No one can make explosions looks as beautiful as you on screen. I mean that. Truly.

But…

I can say without hesitation, and greatest conviction, that TF:AOE is your worst film to date. Perhaps my criticisms (to follow) are better suited to one of the other Executive Producers of the film, or perhaps the screenwriter, or indeed anyone involved with the movie’s creative direction, but seeing as how you are the Director, the proverbial Captain of this ship, the responsibility is ultimately yours.

Simply put, I’m a fan of Transformers, and have been since my childhood. I could elaborate on the various expressions of this fandom, but in the interests of brevity let me say that it will be hard for you to find a person who loves this property more than I do. When I heard back in 2006 that you were helming the first Transformers film, I was cautiously optimistic about it. You are, after all, on the short-list of action directors capable of turning out a blockbuster of this magnitude. Since my first brush with your take on the franchise, however, there have been some trouble spots.

I suffered through Bumblebee urinating on John Turturro in the first installment. I gritted my teeth in the second movie as we saw that Devastator was anatomically correct. I even kept my composure during the barren cinematic landscape of Dark of the Moon. And yet, call me sentimental, but there were shining moments in that trilogy that gave me hope, that kept bringing me back into the theatre in 2009 and 2011, like an abusive relationship that hurts you again and again, but that you cannot quite bring yourself to break off.

After seeing TF:AOE, I’m afraid my little fanboy heart cannot stand it anymore. It’s just been broken too many times, and most recently by you. (Spoilers Ahead! You have been warned.) I do not enjoy seeing characters from previous movies, even CGI ones, brutally murdered while on their knees, begging for their lives, and decrying, “Wait! What are you doing — I’m one of your friends!” Nor do I appreciate characters who have proven themselves competent in the past suddenly losing their temper, acting like spoiled children, and endangering themselves and the lives of others in the process. The same goes for the amount of collateral damage and indiscriminate destruction that so-called “Autobots” wreaked in Bejing. But the butcher’s bill of misfires made here, every plothole covered with glorious, glorious special effects, the casual and unending objectification of women, the uncomfortable racial and cultural stereotypes, the tissue-thin depth of the characters – all of it – pales before the final straw that broke the back of my fandom. (I mean, all those tropes are at least part of your regular schtick, right?)

The final sin, the place this movie went that the others at their worst avoided, is Optimus Prime. You turned him into an angry, embittered maniac who is as ineffectual as a warrior as he is a leader. He kills people, humans, in this movie. It’s bad enough that I had to see Superman snap General Zod’s neck in Man of Steel, but now Optimus Prime, paragon of wisdom and virtue, just executes a guy. No attempt to have him answer for his crimes, or see that justice is done, just point and fire with as much emotional response to the killing as a mafia hitman (meaning no disrespect to any mafia hitmen who might read this). After that, it came as no surprise that his final coup d’grace was stabbing the bad guy in the back.

But it’s worse than even that. What really drives white-hot pokers into my soul is that Optimus gives up on us. Despite all his talk in the original trilogy that “freedom is the right of all sentient beings” and that “they are a young race, capable of great compassion” he is more than willing to turn his back on us when we are, as the name of the movie implies, facing extinction, and Mark Wahlberg has to give Optimus the pep talk about why he should continue to fight, not the other way around. There is a direct quote from the end of Dark of the Moon, spoken by Prime: “There will be days when we lose faith, days when our allies turn against us, but the day will never come when we forsake the planet and its peoples.” What happened to that Prime? Can we get him back in the next movie?

In casting him in this light, this movie did what I thought was an impossibility…it made me hate Optimus Prime. Me. I realize that you don’t know me, or the deep significance that this character holds for me, but let us just say that I still tear up a bit when I see Optimus die in the 1986 animated movie. Scarred for life, I was. Prime may very well be my favorite character in all of fiction, and I despised him by the end of this movie. That, Mr. Bay, I can never forgive.

Let me take a step back at this point, breathe and count to ten. There, better now. Allow me to throw a few facts your way. At the time of this writing, TF:AOE has earned itself 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. That is on par with Showgirls (also at 17%), which is widely regarded as one of the worst movies ever made. This movie ranks lower than the huge disaster Battleship, which was a blatant rip-off of the Transformers movie franchise, as well as your own distinctive visual style. By comparison, it sits at 34%. Battleship! You’ve been outdone by one of your weakest imitators.

Good God, man…Battleship!

The disconnect between the quality of the story and its undeniable commercial success worldwide tells me that you have labored to produce the cinematic equivalent of Twilight, the book not the movie. Perhaps that doesn’t matter to you. Perhaps you’re content, even satisfied, with how TF:AOE came out. Or perhaps it was just a job and/or an enormous payday to you. I can’t speak for your reasoning, but I can tell you that I’m embarrassed for you. There is more heart and soul in the merest fraction of your Lionel Richie video documentary (a fine musician and artist, I hasten to add) than can be found in the entirety of this soulless (sparkless?), joyless movie.

Now, I write these words in the knowledge that you will likely never read them. In truth, this is more a catharsis for me than a critique for you. But assuming you do read this, and you’ve made it this far, I might as well go the whole nine yards. To that end, allow me to illustrate for you what it was like to sit through all three hours of this movie, in a convenient bullet-point format:

  • This movie was akin to sitting in the basement of a Porta Potty, looking up, while it is being used on an unseasonably warm State Fair Day
  • Watching this movie weakened my faith in humanity, when it had previously survived the onslaughts of Jersey Shore, Toddlers and Tiaras, and Honey Boo Boo
  • Seeing this movie made me feel like how a trash dump full of zombies and old socks smells
  • It was tantamount to seeing a school bus full of puppies fall into a volcano, when the volcano also eats souls
  • Exactly like watching the worst movie I’ve ever seen, where cherished characters from my childhood are criminally misunderstood, with staggering amounts of unnecessary scenes, plot holes Optimus himself could drive through, worn-out clichés, placeholder dialogue, and amateur-hour characterization, making me wonder how something so singularly god-awful was ever released in the first place

And while we are on the subject, allow me to elaborate the things I would rather do than watch this movie ever again:

  • Watch Star Wars: Attack of Clones twelve straight times, back-to-back, including all the footage of Jar-Jar from the entire prequel trilogy
  • Take college algebra again.
  • Throw a punch at Mike Tyson, before or after insulting his significant other
  • Die. Just die
  • Awaken Great Cthulhu from his dark and terrible slumber. (Though, to be honest, any of the Great Old Ones would suffice in His place)

Okay, so I’m taking a few liberties here, but again – catharsis, remember? Despite the fact that I must part ways with you for the crimes of this movie, let me leave you with this thought.

I want to help you.

While I understand that these movies are most definitely not made with the fans of Transformers in mind, perhaps I can save you some whining from heartbroken souls such as myself in the future. Story is cheap. It’s words on a page. With a $210 million dollar budget, the story of a movie like this has to be the cheapest part of your production costs, and the easiest to change. Again, your special effects are incredible, to the point that I can see the minute details of Hound’s bushy beard. Why can’t that level of detail, thought, and attention go into the base story itself? Honestly, as a fan, is that too much to ask?

So, I am offering my services to you, Mr. Bay. Next time you go to visit the Transformers universe, call me. You need someone on your team who loves this franchise, since it is clear from this offering you are lacking such a someone. I will be stupidly happy (like a live-action role-player at a renaissance festival) to help you avoid making another movie like this one, and you will find that my fee will be a paltry, practically insignificant sum next to whatever you’re paying your screenwriter.

Just food for thought.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

-Matt Carson

P.S. – Despite all of this, I enjoyed your cameo in Mystery Men.

__________________________________________________

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